Is refusing forgiveness good for you?

/ Tom Delaney, O.F.S., M.A. Theo., Cert. Catech.

(photo: Sherburne County, Minnesota, Tom Delaney, 2025)

The northern lights were on spectacular display earlier this week here in Central Minnesota. The wonder of their intense color and ambling hues easily reminds us that there is something much bigger than us afoot in our universe. We thrill to the sight of the northern lights and can have the self-awareness to ask ourselves, “Why am I wired to feel joy at the sight of the northern lights? And then also how did the universe get organized to connect with that wiring in me?” As much as we may ponder that there is something much bigger than us afoot in the universe, we must also ponder that there is also that something bigger than us afoot within us as well. What is it?

The rationale for forgiveness processes, like the REACH Forgiveness Process taught through Live and Forgive events, is commonly that forgiveness provides psychological benefits that have been observed in systematic research of forgiveness. However, scientific studies that compare the psychological benefits of forgiveness with what people who refuse forgiveness experience have been lacking. Research clearly shows that forgiveness provides psychological benefits to the person doing, but what do people who refuse forgiveness experience? It is not correct to presume that there are no psychological benefits in refusing forgiveness based solely on the observation that forgiveness does provide those benefits. The possible psychological benefits of refusing forgiveness needs its own research.

In a recently published research article entitled “Refusing to forgive can have psychological benefits,” researchers in Australia detail their study of the psychological benefits of refusing forgiveness in comparison to granting forgiveness, and in comparison to neither granting or refusing forgiveness (inaction). Using a large sample of study participants, and involving multiple approaches to recalled events of wrongdoing with both imagined and actual responses to the events, the researchers present some compelling initial findings in comparison of refusing forgiveness to granting forgiveness or taking no action at all. I will share with you my paraphrased list of highlights from this study:

  • The researchers explored the questions of whether refusing to forgive provides psychological benefits.
    • Does refusing to forgive empower victims, enabling them to assert themselves and protect themselves from further harm?
    • Does refusing to forgive help people have a sense of integrity with regard to their values?
    • How does refusing to forgive compare to granting forgiveness and inaction with regard to feelings of power, value integrity, and self-esteem?
  • Psychological benefits include feelings of power. value integrity, and self-esteem.
  • Value integrity is the feeling of being principled and behaving congruent with values or norms of propriety.
  • Participants who refused forgiveness, in comparison to participants who neither granted nor refused forgiveness (inaction):
    • Did not consistently report more feelings of power.
    • Reported significantly more value integrity and self-esteem via value integrity and feelings of power.
    • Experience more psychological benefits than if they had done nothing.
    • Did not report a significantly lower positive relationship or a more negative relationship with the person not forgiven.
  • Participants who granted forgiveness, in comparison to participants who neither granted nor refused forgiveness (inaction):
    • Did not consistently report more feelings of power.
    • Reported significantly greater value integrity and self-esteem via value integrity and feelings of power.
    • Reported a significantly more positive (and less negative) post-transgression relationship with the forgiven person.
  • Participants who refused forgiveness, in comparison to participants granted forgiveness:
    • Did not consistently differ in feelings of power, self-esteem, or value integrity.
    • “These [comparative statistical] findings may suggest that there are additional or greater psychological benefits for victims who offered forgiveness than refusing forgiveness.”
  • Participants who granted forgiveness, in comparison to participants who refused forgiveness:
    • Reported a more positive (and less negative) post-transgression relationship with the person forgiven.
  • In general, refusing forgiveness can have psychological benefits of value integrity, feelings of power and self-esteem.
    • It should not be assumed that these acts of refusing forgiveness are unhealthy or damaging to the unforgiver.
    • Refusing forgiveness may be an adaptive response in certain circumstances because it makes victims feel empowered and good about themselves.
  • Disregarding evidence to the contrary, refusing forgiveness still tends to be pathologized especially when compared to offering forgiveness which is seen to be demonstrative of moral or ethical superiority.
  • The results of this study should not be interpreted as somehow promoting the refusal of forgiveness over offering forgiveness.
  • It is possible that the immediate psychological benefits of refusing forgiveness are ultimately outweighed by longer-term health complications arising from holding grudges. Prior research has shown that holding a grudge can be detrimental to health despite carrying psychological benefits such as feelings of entitlement and moral superiority.
  • Victims often feel weak, humiliated, and low in self-esteem after transgressions, and the act of refusing forgiveness grants victims feelings of power and value integrity, that may restore self-esteem. These outcomes, or the expectancy of them, may motivate victims’ decision to refuse forgiveness.

Overall, the results of this study suggest we recognize that refusal of forgiveness can have psychological benefits to victims, and the expectation of those benefits may be motivating to victims who refuse forgiveness. It may be important to consider that a person who does not wish to initiate or engage with a forgiveness process may have some now research-validated reasons for their disinterest or ambivalence. Adding a perspective of justice, a person may be just in refusing to forgive. In the REACH Forgiveness Process, forgiveness is defined as an undeserved altruistic gift. In addition, forgiveness is always emphasized to be a personal choice, not something that can or should be expected of a person. Can refusing forgiveness be good for you? The research says, “Yes it can!”

On the other hand, the same research is also consistent with previous research that forgiveness has psychological benefits as well, including the same benefits as those of refusing forgiveness. Granting forgiveness does not mean foregoing psychological benefits. You’re not missing out on anything. In addition, the researchers in this study recognize that previous research has shown that holding a grudge is plain bad for your health. One important difference between refusing and granting forgiveness observed in the study is that granting forgiveness results in more positive relationships with forgiven persons. With regard to the altruism of forgiveness, prior research has also suggested that forgiveness can promote changes in the forgiven person that increase the probability that they will in turn do good acts. The study we reviewed does not answer the question of whether person who have been refused forgiveness are ever motivated to change and perform good acts in the same way.

Previous research makes it reasonable to conclude that forgiveness has ripple effects from the forgiver, to the forgiven, and to persons beyond, that would in time make a world of widespread forgiveness and acts of good. It is hard to imagine that such a world is possible with refusal of forgiveness. Psychological benefits are closely related to sense of self, and the positive attributes of self-affirmation do not necessarily make things any better beyond just that self-affirmed person. It could be that granting forgiveness and forgiveness refusal may not differ in values integrity, self-esteem, and feelings of power, but there are good reasons to consider that a forgiving person has different values, a different sense of power, and a different sense of self-esteem than an unforgiving person. Truly, there may be a world of difference between a forgiving person and an unforgiving person. At the least, it gives us plenty to think about.

One interesting thing is clear from this study, and that is the minimal benefit of inaction: neither forgiving nor refusing to forgive. Both forgiveness and refusal of forgiveness produced significantly higher psychological benefit than inaction. It could be that denial of the event, minimalization, refusal to remember an event, as much as they function as defenses against consciously engaging with an event and its potential pain, grief and sadness, also hold a person back from the psychological benefits of consciously forgiving or refusing to forgive. It may be very important for people to get past these kinds of defense mechanisms and engage with the event and the decision to forgive or refuse to forgive — which is left entirely up to them and under their control. The lesson seems to be that living a full life includes memory and conscious decisions of forgiveness or refusal to forgive. The question of whether the best life lies along the paths of forgiveness or refusal of forgiveness becomes important. Of course, important things have been said about that.

Please share these words with someone for whom they may be helpful today.

This text is an original work of its author Tom Delaney and was entirely composed without the use of artificial intelligence (AI).

If your parish or faith community is seeking a deeper experience of forgiveness, healing, mercy, and spiritual renewal, Live and Forgive is here to help. To begin the conversation, email Live and Forgive presenter and facilitator Tom Delaney at tom@liveandforgive.com — he will be glad to connect with you for a conversation. Please type in your email and click “Subscribe” below to stay connected and get Live and Forgive articles delivered to you.

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