(photo by Tom Delaney, Sherburne County, Minnesota, 2025)

The Blue Jackets (Tradescantia ohiensis) are beginning to bloom along the forest edges here in Central Minnesota.

The Morning Prayer (“lauds”) in today’s Liturgy of the Hours includes a reading from the book of Job: “We accept good things from God; and should we accept evil?” (2:10b). This short phrase asks why accepting the things we want for ourselves is easy, but accepting the things we don’t want for ourselves is not. Acceptance is an important part of forgiveness, and can be very challenging. It is hard to understand how we would ever look at an event or person that hurt us, and find it able to be accepted. We want something else other than that, and even if we can’t have that other thing, we can dig in and stick to not seeing an event or person as acceptable. In the same way, where we are someone who has done something to hurt another person, it is possible to look in the mirror and feel that we and the things we do are not acceptable.

In the REACH Forgiveness Process that is facilitated in Live and Forgive presentations, guided retreats, and small group series, the first step “R” is recalling the event in which we experienced being hurt by another person. REACH is an intentional process, and the purpose of starting with recall is to begin a defined process aimed at complete and enduring forgiveness. Recalling an event is a bold step that needs us to visit how we are accepting or not accepting what happened and the person who did it. It is normal for acceptability of events to weave in our ideas of right and wrong, as well as ideas of how we can control what happens in our life so as to not include that event in the past, present, or future. This is normal human stuff. Our lives our better when we have good ideas about “good” and “not good,” including “right” and “wrong.” Those ideas help us make choices, respond to life events, and direct our lives toward the things we most value. Seeking control is also normal, as a needed part of making choices toward good things in our lives, responding to life events in ways that allow us to keep our ability to make those choices, and in general keeping the steering wheel of our life headed toward good things. That all said, we can also go as far as refusing to accept an event or person because of its conflict with our values — even though that event actually happened, and that person actually exists. The unacceptability of both can make it hard for us to recall an event in which the person hurt us in a way that accepts the reality and “it is what it is” of the event and person. The negative emotions get us hung up on just recalling the event and person, without moving on to the rest of the forgiveness process.

In the REACH Forgiveness process, we learn to recall a chosen event of hurt in a way that is objective and accurate. This means not only the details of the event as an observer may have seen it happen, but also includes observing what our feelings were in the event, and what we observed inside of ourselves. It is important that recalling the event is just an objective and accurate exercise, so that we can start working with the event in an “it is what it is” way — meaning that as wrong and hurtful as the event is, we include it in our memory and sense of ourselves as something that we did experience. Including it in our memory and sense of ourselves in this way, gives us the ability to work with the event so that we can build off of it and move on with our lives toward the things we value, and towards the person we aspire to be. It is important to see and understand that this kind of acceptance, as part of recalling the event, does not involve choosing tolerance or resignation to hurtful events and people, or involve a reaction of grasping and seeking desperate control, but instead gives us a way to work with the reality of our life and experiences, because that reality is not just unavoidable anyway, but also because that reality is key to attaining the things we value and becoming the person we aspire to be. If we think back to Job, we can see that what makes the story of Job so exemplary as to be included in the Bible, is his rock solid ability to accept hurtful events and adversity in a way that makes him an even stronger person of resolute faith and endurance.

Like forgiveness, acceptance involves a set of skills, and requires practice over time if a person wants to get good at it. And also like forgiveness, practicing acceptance usually works best when we start with small things and work our way toward accepting big things. With gradual practice,over time, we can become very good at acceptance, and especially the kind of acceptance that moves tough and even hurtful events and situations into a place where we can use them to pursue our life values and our aspirations for the person we want to be. It is a very intentional and life-changing way to live.

Can prayer help for that kind of acceptance? Absolutely! It’s a very short verse and a tiny phrase, but I think it really captures the courage, desire for clarity and truth, and commitment to the forgiveness process, in choosing to use acceptance as part of the forgiveness process, and it goes like this: “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me” (Psalm 51:10). You can use the phrase, and repeat it to yourself as often as you need or want to do so — as often as it helps. May it bring you peace and good things in your life as you accept and forgive.

This text is an original work of its author Tom Delaney and was entirely composed without the use of artificial intelligence (AI).

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If your parish or faith community is seeking a deeper experience of healing, mercy, and spiritual renewal, Live and Forgive is here to help. To begin the conversation, email Live and Forgive presenter and facilitator Tom Delaney at tom@liveandforgive.com—Tom will be glad to connect with you in a spirit of welcome, respect, and shared faith.