New Research: Here’s How Self-Kindness and Being Social Can Support Your Self-Forgiveness

/ Tom Delaney, O.F.S.

(photo: Seth Willingham, 2016)

This article is for Catholics who want to be better at forgiving themselves or help others forgive themselves. This article reviews new research that demonstrates the connection of self-kindness to self-forgiveness, and explains how a person can improve their kindness to themselves as a way of more easily engaging in self-forgiveness. This article also explains that avoiding social isolation is also an important part of more easily engaging in self-forgiveness.

In a new publication of research entitled The Self-Compassionate Path to Self-Forgiveness: Self-Kindness Enhances and Isolation Inhibits, forgiveness researcher Loren Touissant, with colleagues at the Catholic University of Eichstätt-Ingolstadt, demonstrate that increased engagement in self-kindness is linked to improved ability at self-forgiveness.1 This research helps us understand the specific ways we can become better at self-kindness and self-forgiveness.

Self-Kindness Helps Self-Forgiveness: Here’s How

The researchers examined the connection of a number of dimensions of self-compassion to self-forgiveness. Of all those dimensions, it was self-kindness that was the sole significant and positive predictor of initial levels of self-forgiveness. The researchers interpret that self-kindness is:

  • The polar opposite of self-judgement on the continuum of self-compassion.
  • Fosters an accepting and nurturing attitude toward oneself.
  • Is cultivated be recognizing the detrimental effects of self-judgement for oneself.
  • Reduces self-critical tendencies that often obstruct self-forgiveness.

Social Isolation Opposes Self-Forgiveness: Here’s How

Social isolation emerged as the sole significant and negative predictor of self-forgiveness growth, theoretically linked to heightened emotional distress and self=punitive tendencies. The researchers interpret that social isolation:

  • Has psychological costs.
  • Makes it harder to engage in self-forgiveness.
  • Moderates the relationship between psychological resilience and depression through its connection to self-forgiveness.
  • Is amplified in is negative psychological when distress and self-punitive cycles are perpetuated by self-unforgiveness.
  • Lacks the protective role that otherwise is had by recognizing common humanity.
  • Fosters self-criticism and prolonged guilt.
  • Directly impedes self-forgiveness growth by reinforcing a sense of separateness and unworthiness.

The implication is that social disconnection and isolation is to be avoided, and social connection is to be sought, if you want the best self-forgiveness that you can get.

Lasting Self Forgiveness Needs Self-Kindness and Social Connection: Here’s How

Social solation has an important oppositional relationship to self-kindness that can jeopardize self-forgiveness in the long run. The researchers explain, “[W]hile self-kindness may provide an early emotional buffer, its long-term efficacy appears to diminish unless individuals actively counteract the negative consequences of social disconnection.” If not addressed, isolation can diminish the protective benefits of self-compassion, further compromising psychological resilience

Sacraments can be your most important support!

The researchers are clear that cultural and religious factors may influence self-forgiveness as
much or more than self-kindness or self-compassion overall. The research was conducted with a predominantly Catholic group of research subjects, which allowed the researchers to especially observe the role of Catholic faith in self-kindness and self-forgiveness. For example, the researchers comment:

Given the predominantly Catholic sample, structured practices such as confession and penance may facilitate forgiveness more effectively than self-compassion alone…Unlike hedonic self-forgiveness, which primarily alleviates negative self-affect, Catholicism emphasizes eudaimonic self-forgiveness through repentance, moral repair, and social reintegration.

The observations of the researchers can be interpreted to reinforce the potential of the Sacrament of Penance as a support to self-forgiveness. A Catholic looking to improve in their self-forgiveness has good reason to integrate the Sacrament of Penance into their personal plan and efforts. A good conversation with a parish pastor about the intent and plan would make the sacramental experience be even more helpful.

How to Assess Your Self-Kindness and Make a Plan to Improve

Now we are going to take an educational approach to help you figure out the learning you need and want in order to get better at self-kindness and self-forgiveness. Let’s do a skill self-assessment. In the table below, self-kindness skills are listed from top to bottom in the first column. For each one, think about whether or not you skill level is where you need or want it to be. You can give each skill a rating of 0, 1, or 2 to help you see the skills you are already very good at, and the ones that you may want to improve. This is not a test, there are no right or wrong answers, or worse of better answers. This is just a way to get a picture of where your learning and practice needs to happen next.2,3

Your Self-Kindness Skills Quick Self-Assessment

My life is impacted right now because I am not doing this, or need to do better at this.I am OK at doing this, and I could do even better at it with some learning and practice.I am strong and consistent at doing this whenever a situation needs me to do it.
I try to be loving towards myself when I’m feeling emotional pain.012
When I’m going through a very hard time, I give myself the caring and tenderness I need.012
I’m kind to myself when I’m experiencing suffering.012
I’m tolerant of my own flaws and inadequacies.012
I try to be understanding and patient towards those aspects of my personality I don’t like.011

Use Your Self-Assessment Scores to Make a Plan

Take a look at the things you gave a 0 or a 1. Do you think one of those is the most important to work on right now? Do you think one of those would be easier than others to work on right now? Sometimes the most important thing to work on is also one of the hardest. When that happens, you may want to think about choosing to work on something that is less important but easier to work on and reasonable for where you are at in life right now. Of course, if you are lucky enough to have something very important to work on, and it is easy enough to do or at least manageable, that’s the way to go! Pick 1 to 3 skills to work on in the next 30 days, and write them down for your self — a journal may work especially well for this. For each skills you choose to work on, also write down the score you want to be able to give yourself in 30 days — that’s your goal. Keep the number of your goals, and your 30-days-later goal number, reasonable and manageable for yourself.

Now take a look at the things you gave a 2. These are your self-kindness strengths. Sometimes your strengths can be the the things that help you grow in the other skills where you need growth. Strengths can make growth in those skills easier to do. Can any one of those things, or a group of those things, give you help for working on the thing you gave a 0 or a 1 and have decided to work on? For each of the skills that are a strength for you, write it down next to the goals that it can probably help you achieve, It could be that one strength skills will help with only one goal, or help with all three — you decide.

Now you have a 30-day plan with skills that you are going to work on, a goal for each of those skills, and possibly one or more helper skills for each of the skills you are going to work on. Good job! Now let’s take a look at ways you can work on those skills.

How to Build Your Self-Kindness to Support Self-Forgiveness

Self-kindness is one dimension or component of a larger set of self-compassion skills. Dr. Kristin Neff has done extensive work to convert research about self-kindness and self-compassion into practical resources for anyone who wants to improve their self-kindness and self-compassion. These practical tools and exercises will help you make progress in the 30-day plan you made for yourself with the self-assessment.

Here are 18 self-compassion practices to boost your self-kindness…

Dr. Neff has made available a set of practical exercises through the Self=Compassion Institute. These practices are not a substitute for therapy, and if you are trying to tackle challenges that need the help of a mental health professional, go get it! It will help make sure that your plan is successful.

The available recorded practices are designed to help you be with yourself in a healthy and supportive way. These practices are designed to be non-religious in method, however I am adding additional notes to some of them where a person could make an important connection to their Catholic faith and adapt the practice. You’re going to see me do that adaptation with Catholicism a lot in the following lists. Think of it this way, a hammer is a tool. You can use a hammer to build a house, and you can use it to build a church. Here and there, I’m suggesting we use the hammer to build a church.

Here is a list of the practices with Dr. Neff’s description for each and any notes related to Catholicism that I have added:

  • General Self-Compassion Break: “This practice intentionally brings the three components of self-compassion to bear on a current struggle.”
  • Tender Self-Compassion Break: “This practice can help you accept yourself and your difficult emotions when you need comfort and soothing.”
  • Protective Self-Compassion Break: “This practice can help you be brave so you can speak up, draw a boundary, or protect yourself.”
  • Providing Self-Compassion Break: “This practice can help you focus on what you need to be fulfilled and happy.” In Catholicism and especially the Franciscan tradition, we learn that God and our relationship with God is entirely sufficient for our fulfillment and happiness. This practice can help me remember that.4
  • Motivating Self-Compassion Break: “This practice can be used to help motivate you to reach a goal or make a change.”
  • Self-Compassion While Caregiving: “This practice can be used by caregivers when caring for someone in pain to reduce burnout and stress.”
  • Soles of the Feet: “This practice can help ground and stabilize you if you’re experiencing difficult emotions.” I think that as a Catholic this exercise can help me remember that prayer is crucial and even use this exercise to settle myself so that I can follow it up by entering into prayer.
  • Soften, Soothe, Allow: Working with Difficult Emotions: This practice can help you work with difficult emotions so they aren’t so overwhelming.
  • Noting Practice: “This meditation helps develop the skill of mindful awareness of your thoughts and emotions.” THIS IS AN IMPORTANT ONE SPECIFICALLY FOR SELF-KINDNESS! Use this exercise to improve your awareness of the thoughts you have that are helping you engage in self-kindness, and the ones that are holding you back.
  • Compassionate Friend: “This guided visualization helps you meet an inner compassionate friend who can help you at any moment.” I think that as a Catholic this exercise can help me remember that I have a guardian angel (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 336) and that Jesus Christ is with me always (Matthew 28:20).5,6
  • Fierce Friend: “This guided visualization helps you meet an inner fiercely compassionate friend who can help you find the courage needed to take action.” I think that, same as in the Compassionate Friend exercise, as a Catholic this exercise can help me remember that I have a guardian angel (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 336) and that Jesus Christ is with me always (Matthew 28:20).7.8
  • Balancing Yin and Yang: Certain East Asian cultural concepts of passive energy include calling passive or receptive energy “yin” and active or projected energy “yang”. These are not necessarily religious terms, but rather can be understood as terms from cultural models of medicine (e.g. Traditional Chinese Medicine). Dr. Neff explains, “This meditation helps you balance the yin and yang energies of tender and fierce self-compassion.”
  • Giving and Receiving Compassion: This meditation uses the breath to both give and receive compassion. I think that as a Catholic this exercise can help me remember that our breath is from God, as part of God’s plan in creation for the Kingdom of God. As Paul spoke in Athens, ““He himself gives to all mortals life and breath and all things” (Acts 17:25).9
  • Affectionate Breathing: “This classic breath meditation is infused with warmth and goodwill.” Again, I think that as a Catholic this exercise can help me remember that our breath is from God, as part of God’s plan in creation for the Kingdom of God. As Paul spoke in Athens, ““He himself gives to all mortals life and breath and all things” (Acts 17:25).10
  • Compassionate Body Scan: “Appreciation and compassion are given to each body part in this variation on the classic body scan.”
  • Loving Kindness Meditation: “This variation on traditional loving-kindness meditation helps you generate goodwill toward yourself.” THIS IS AN IMPORTANT ONE SPECIFICALLY FOR SELF-KINDNESS! I think that as a Catholic this exercise can can help me remember that we are to love our neighbor as ourself (Matthew 22:37-40) and sometimes the neighbor is ourself, and that “Love is the fulfilling of the law” (Romans 13:8-10).11,12
  • Self-Compassion/Loving-Kindness Meditation: “This version of loving-kindness meditation helps you generate compassion for a mistake or perceived inadequacy.” THIS IS AN IMPORTANT ONE SPECIFICALLY FOR SELF-KINDNESS! I think that as a Catholic this exercise can help me remember that Jesus said “Occasions for stumbling are bound to come” (Luke 17:1) that God’s mercy has no limits (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1864), and that God will help me improve on my mistakes and inadequacies toward virtue (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1804).13,14
  • Self-Compassion for Stress and Burnout: “This practice is designed to help you be with feelings of stress and burnout in a compassionate and supportive manner.”

Here are 8 self-compassion exercises to boost your self-kindness…

In addition to these self-compassion practices, Dr. Neff has made available a number of self-compassion exercises:

  • How would you treat a friend? “How do you think things might change if you treated yourself in the same way you typically treat a close friend when they’re suffering? This exercise walks you through it.
  • Self-Compassion Break: “This exercise can be used any time of day or night and will help you remember to apply the three aspects of self-compassion to your distress when you need it.”
  • Exploring Self-Compassion Through Writing: “Everybody has things about themselves that they don’t like. In this exercise you’ll write a letter to yourself about your human imperfection with acceptance and compassion.” THIS IS AN IMPORTANT ONE SPECIFICALLY FOR SELF-KINDNESS! If you’re not into writing, use a different media, e.g. record a personal video.
  • Supportive Touch: “In this exercise you will learn how to activate your parasympathetic nervous system by using physical touch. Soothing and supportive touch can help you feel calm, cared for and safe.”
  • Changing Your Critical Self-Talk: “This exercise will help you acknowledge your self-critical voice and reframe its observations in a more friendly way, so you can change the blueprint for how you relate to yourself.” THIS IS AN IMPORTANT ONE SPECIFICALLY FOR SELF-KINDNESS!
  • Self-Compassion Journal: Keeping a daily journal is a useful exercise which can help you process the difficult events of your day through a lens of self-compassion, enhancing both mental and physical well-being. THIS IS AN IMPORTANT ONE FOR YOUR SELF-KINDNESS IMPROVEMENT PLAN! If you’re not into writing, use a different media, e.g. record a daily personal video.
  • Identifying What We Really Want: “If you really want to motivate yourself, love is more powerful than fear. In this exercise, you’ll reframe your inner dialogue so that it is more encouraging and supportive.” In Catholicism and especially the Franciscan tradition, we learn that God and our relationship with God is entirely sufficient for our fulfillment and happiness. This practice can help me remember that.15
  • Taking Care of the Care of the Caregiver: “This exercise will help you keep your heart open and care for yourself while you’re caring for others, so that you don’t become burned out or depleted.”

Don’t forget your best supports: prayer and sacraments!

The practices and exercises shared by Dr. Neff are very practical and will help you improve in self-compassion and self-kindness in ways that you select. That said, never forget that the best supports for your improvement in self-compassion, self-kindness, and self-forgiveness, will always be prayer and participation in the Sacraments. Sometimes people can overlook the obvious, including the things that the Catholic Church has built into its faith and practice for personal growth, healing, and flourishing.

I am goin to say to you that it is ideal to first begin any of the listed practices and exercises with prayer, and conclude with prayer as well. The prayer does not need to have special or exactly correct words because God already knows what is in your heart and your intention. If you’d still like a short verse that you can use in preparation and in finishing your work with one of the practices or exercises, I might suggest a very short abbreviated version of a prayer written by St. Thomas Aquinas for learning and understanding. This prayer makes sense because working on improving your self-kindness is very much a process of learning and understanding that turns anyone into a student. Here is a shortened form of the prayer:

Creator of all things,
true Source of light and wisdom,
lofty origin of all being,
graciously let a ray of Your brilliance
penetrate into the darkness of my understanding.
Point out the beginning,
direct the progress,
and help in completion;
through Christ our Lord.
Amen.

Remember as well that the Sacraments, especially the Sacrament of Penance, can be especially supportive to you as you work to improve your self-kindness and self-forgiveness.16 Participating fully in the Sacraments is the path of personal healing and growth.17 Communal participation in the Sacraments in the mass can help you avoid the social disconnection and isolation that opposes growth in self-forgiveness.18 We have learned that there are very good reasons to attend mass regularly and participate n the Sacraments! Let’s apply the learning and do it!

Self-Kindness is an act which can be a reflection of God’s kindness toward us. The entire Gospel message is one of love and mercy toward us from God. Self-forgiveness too can be an act in which we acknowledge God’s forgiveness of us (for example after the Sacrament of Penance) and have gratitude and reverence for that forgiveness by doing no less for ourselves. AS such, both self-kindness and self-forgiveness can be acts of faith in God and the Church. Jesus Christ made very clear that God’s intention for us is that, through Him, we “might have life and have it more abundantly.”19 Self-kindness and self-forgiveness are important ways to turn our hearts toward that offered abundant life and to participate in it fully. We should always keep that in mind!

Please share these words with someone who needs them today.


This article is an original work of its author Tom Delaney and was not composed by or with artificial intelligence (AI).

This article is for educational and faith formation purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care. If you need professional help, or are in crisis, call or send a text to 988 to get connected with a professional.

If your parish or faith community is seeking a deeper experience of forgiveness, healing, mercy, and spiritual renewal, Live and Forgive is here to help. To begin the conversation, email Live and Forgive presenter and facilitator Tom Delaney at tom@liveandforgive.com — he will be glad to connect with you for a conversation.

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Notes

  1. Toussaint, L. L., Uram, P., Surzykiewicz, J., & Skalski-Bednarz, S. B. (2025). The Self-Compassionate Path to Self-Forgiveness: Self-Kindness Enhances and Isolation Inhibits. Psychological Reports, 0(0). https://doi.org/10.1177/00332941251400657. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/00332941251400657.
  2. The Self-Kindness Skills Quick Self-Assessment in this article is my adaptation of the Self-Kindness subscale items of the Self-Compassion Scale, see Neff, K. D. (2021). Self-Compassion Scale (SCS) information [PDF]. Self-Compassion.org. https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/SCS-information.pdf.
  3. Neff, K. D. (2003b). The development and validation of a scale to measure Self-Compassion. Self and Identity, 2(3), 223–250. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309027. https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/publications/empirical.article.pdf.
  4. See 1723 in United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. (n.d.). Catechism of the Catholic Church. USCCB. https://www.usccb.org/catechism.
  5. See 336 in United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. (n.d.). Catechism of the Catholic Church. USCCB. https://www.usccb.org/catechism.
  6. See Matthew 28:20 in United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. (n.d.). New American Bible, Revised Edition. USCCB. https://bible.usccb.org/.
  7. See 336 in United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. (n.d.). Catechism of the Catholic Church. USCCB. https://www.usccb.org/catechism.
  8. See Matthew 28:20 in United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. (n.d.). New American Bible, Revised Edition. USCCB. https://bible.usccb.org/.
  9. See Acts 17:25 in United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. (n.d.). New American Bible, Revised Edition. USCCB. https://bible.usccb.org/.
  10. See Acts 17:25 in United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. (n.d.). New American Bible, Revised Edition. USCCB. https://bible.usccb.org/.
  11. See Matthew 22:37-40 in United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. (n.d.). New American Bible, Revised Edition. USCCB. https://bible.usccb.org/.
  12. See Romans 13:8-10 in United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. (n.d.). New American Bible, Revised Edition. USCCB. https://bible.usccb.org/.
  13. See Luke 17:1 in in United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. (n.d.). New American Bible, Revised Edition. USCCB. https://bible.usccb.org/.
  14. See 1804 and 1864 in United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. (n.d.). Catechism of the Catholic Church. USCCB. https://www.usccb.org/catechism.
  15. See 1723 in United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. (n.d.). Catechism of the Catholic Church. USCCB. https://www.usccb.org/catechism.
  16. Toussaint, L. L., Uram, P., Surzykiewicz, J., & Skalski-Bednarz, S. B. (2025). The Self-Compassionate Path to Self-Forgiveness: Self-Kindness Enhances and Isolation Inhibits. Psychological Reports, 0(0). https://doi.org/10.1177/00332941251400657. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/00332941251400657.
  17. See 1798 in United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. (n.d.). Catechism of the Catholic Church. USCCB. https://www.usccb.org/catechism.
  18. Toussaint, L. L., Uram, P., Surzykiewicz, J., & Skalski-Bednarz, S. B. (2025). The Self-Compassionate Path to Self-Forgiveness: Self-Kindness Enhances and Isolation Inhibits. Psychological Reports, 0(0). https://doi.org/10.1177/00332941251400657. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/00332941251400657.

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