How to Accept the Unacceptable So You Can Live Your Best Life

The biblical story of Job conveys to readers the importance of a deep and abiding trust in God’s attention and care for us. One section of the text, Job 1:21; 2:10b, especially offers an insight for managing our thoughts and feelings when something bad happens:

We accept good things from God; and should we not accept evil?

The reading points out that we react differently to the things we see as good and the things we see as evil or bad. This is understandable in that it is very human t o want good things in life, with minimal to zero bad things mixed in with those experiences. We are quick to embrace and celebrate the things we see as good. We are usually quick to regard anything we see as evil, as also unacceptable — not able to be accepted. Why are we this way?

Why do we think acceptable vs. unacceptable?

We may find bad things or events unacceptable because they contain something that is in conflict with our values. Relatedly we may feel that if we accepted that bad thing or event, we are disregarding our values, and surrendering to the conflicting values in that bad thing or event. Because our personal identities are so intertwined with our values, and because there may be very good reasons for the values we hold, the thought of disregarding those values threatens our sense of personal identity and makes all our life struggles seem worthless.

What is the problem with not accepting?

All well and good, except that bad things and events do have their own reality — they are real. Despite our personal identity and values, we have to have a way of experiencing bad things and events because they are part of reality. It is healthy for us to stay engaged with reality, and nonacceptance can pose an obstacle or limit with that engagement. The reality of the bad thing or event has to be reckoned with. Leaving a bad thing or event in a kind of grey area between being real and not being real, or even a place of avoidance for ourselves, can result in even more distress for ourselves.

What is acceptance really?

What helps is an insight into what exactly acceptance is. From the research supporting Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), we can understand that acceptance is making room in our minds for the experience of a bad thing or event in our lives, including all our thoughts and feelings about it and the impacts in our life.

How does acceptance relate to personal values?

Acceptance does not mean giving up our values. Acceptance is about having the experience of our thoughts and feelings about something bad, but still keeping our own values and still doing the things in life that we do to live out those values.. As a matter of fact, acceptance actually highlights the importance of our values! Admitting and engaging with the reality of a bad thing or event in our life gives us the opportunity to engage with it in ways that are driven by our values, rather than keeping the thing or event in a place of avoidance.

When we apply this understanding of acceptance, we can better understand the reading and get a very important insight from it. When we know that not only do we have the ability to accept bad things and events in life, but that it is important for us to do so in order to exercise and strengthen our values, especially the values that make us who we are, the reading tells us to do exactly that. Research in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) confirms for us that accepting bad things and events in this way and affirming our values is a sure pathway to a sense of well-being.

How does acceptance help us forgive?

Besides a link between acceptance and well-being, research has also validated the strong link between forgiveness and several mental health benefits as well as a sense of well-being. Processes for full and lasting forgiveness that have been validated by research consistently include some form of acceptance as the starting point. In the REACH forgiveness process developed by Everett Worthington and promoted by the Human Flourishing Program at Harvard University, as well as in Live and Forgive seminars, “R” for Recall. Recall is remembering a wrong or hurt in all of its detail, including our thoughts about it at the time and now, as well as our feelings about it at the time and now. It is only by recalling and accepting the reality of the event, along with all of our thoughts, feelings, and embodied emotions around the event, that we are able to attain a full and lasting forgiveness for that event and the other person involved.

How is acceptance important for a good life?

The whole Book of Job tells the story of Job, and how he repeatedly and continually accepted disasters in his life through acceptance in ways that tested and affirmed his value. In the end, Job’s acceptance resulted in the restoration of everything he had lost, and a life of prosperity. We can interpret the story as advice that acceptance is important for preserving the things and people that are most important for us, as well as t the things that make our life prosperous.

For Today

Take some time today to think about something – an event, a person, a life development, whatever – with which you have been struggling to accept. Then ask yourself if accepting the event or person in the ways that we explored in this article would help you better engage with that event, person or life development, in a way that allows you to keep or affirm your values, and do the things that you need to do in life so as to live those values. If you think so, then give yourself an affirmation, even say it out loud: “I accept that ________ happened (or is happening), what I think about it, and what I feel about it, so that I can do what I do to live my values of __________.” You can also write it down as a statement for yourself, and revisit it often as may help you. If you are feeling up to it, you can even share it with a trusted friend.

Please share these words wth someone who needs them today.

Tom Delaney, O.F.S.

To learn more about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) research, see the following:

Anusuva, S.P. and Gavitridevi, S. (2025). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Psychological Well-Being: A Narrative Review. Cureus. 2025 Jan 20;17(1):e77705. doi: 10.7759/cureus.77705. PMID: 39974259; PMCID: PMC11837766. at https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11837766/?utm.

Aravind, A., Agarwal, M., Malhotra, S., & Ayyub, S. (2025). Effectiveness of acceptance and commitment therapy on mental health issues: A systematic review. Annals of Neurosciences, 32(4), 321–327. https://doi.org/10.1177/09727531241300741, at https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/09727531241300741#core-versions.

Beygi Z, Tighband Jangali R, Derakhshan N, Alidadi M, Javanbakhsh F, Mahboobizadeh M. An Overview of Reviews on the Effects of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) on Depression and Anxiety. Iran J Psychiatry. 2023 Apr;18(2):248-257. doi: 10.18502/ijps.v18i2.12373. PMID: 37383966; PMCID: PMC10293686, at https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10293686/.

Zou, Y., Wang, R., Xiong, X. et al. Effects of acceptance and commitment therapy on negative emotions, automatic thoughts and psychological flexibility for depression and its acceptability: a meta-analysis. BMC Psychiatry 25, 602 (2025). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-025-07067-w, at https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/s12888-025-07067-w#citeas.

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This article is an original work of the author and was not composed by or with artificial intelligence (AI). The author is solely responsible for the contents of this article and the opinions and perspectives expressed in the article are solely those of the author. © 2026 Thomas Delaney. All rights reserved.

photo: Job and his wife, Georges de La Tour, 1625-1650