One of the greatest tragedies and griefs that a person may experience in their lifetime is the death of a loved one when they take their own life. The despair of the loved one that first led them to taking their own life doesn’t stop there, but rather extends its devastation to encircle the living who have the greatest depths of sadness and grief inflicted upon them in response to the loss. For some friends and families, the loss was already preceded by years of struggle to support and hold together the loved one, and the loss just makes all of that seem pointless and meaningless.

After the loss of the loved one, and the devastation of grief and sadness, may come terrifying questions of whether the loved one is condemned eternally by God, with no hope of divine forgiveness. The question can become too terrifying to even ask, with an out of control fear that the answer may affirm the worst. It may feel better to sit with the darkness of uncertainty, than to risk asking the question. Then out of control fear and uncertainty of divine forgiveness becomes takes its own control of the lives of the living, taking away a certain degree of freedom, and taking away opportunities for making sense of life, in the aftermath of a loved one taking their own life, and ever finding personal peace and joy in living again.

One purpose of the Catechism of the Catholic Church is the “handing on of faith” in response to not simply faith, but love of Jesus Christ. It is an intentional proclamation of the Good News in response to love! The Catechism states (para. 3):

Those who with God’s help have welcomed Christ’s call and freely responded to it are urged on by love of Christ to proclaim the Good News everywhere in the world.

But “above all” the purpose of the Catechism is “charity” — to care for people (para. 25). This is such an important point: the Catechism presents the Catholic faith from a foundation in love of Christ, for the Good News, and for the ultimate and highest aim of care for people. The Catechism is not for us to use for our own purposes, self-assurance or convenience in condemning people. Rather and above all, the Catechism is about loving people for love of Christ. That makes sense in light of the best scriptural passages about love as the sum and total of law (Mark 12:30-31). As the Catechism puts it:

The whole concern of doctrine and its teachings must be directed to the love that never ends. Whether something is proposed for belief, for hope or for action, the love of our Lord must always be made accessible, so that anyone can see that all the works for perfect Christian virtue spring from love and have no other objective than to arrive at love.

By the way, did I mention love yet?

The Catechism teaches us that our lives are gifts from God for which we are responsible to preserve for purposes of honoring God and the salvation of our own souls (para. 2280). When it comes to suicide, the Catechism clearly points out that suicide is contrary to our own natural inclination to preserve and perpetuate our own lives (para. 2281). In short, suicide is not natural, it is unnatural and happens when there is something significantly wrong with how a person has an “inclination,” i.e. their most basic thinking and feelings. When it comes to love, it is a contradiction to the love we are supposed to have for ourselves. In addition, it contradicts the love we are supposed to have for friends and family. Although the Catechism doesn’t clearly state it as such, it is a contradiction of the love that friends and family themselves have for that person. Wrapped up in all of this is a contradiction of love for God. Key ideas in the foregoing are that suicide is a very unnatural thing, that involves a deep failure to see and participate in the most important loves we have in our lives, and a failure in our most basic thinking and feelings.

The Catechism goes on to explain that when a loved one takes their own life, we have to think about how that happened because of “grave psychological disturbances, anguish, grave fear of hardship, suffering, or torture” (para. 2282). As already explained, we must consider it as an unnatural act that involved a failure or breakdown in the most basic of thinking and feelings. These factors can be so important as causes to the tragedy that the Catechism explains that they “can diminish the responsibility of the one committing suicide.” When there is a recognition that a loved one took their life because because they were suffering from a mental health disorder or illness, which does it make more sense to blame — the person, or the mental health disorder or illness? When someone dies from cancer, do we blame the person or the cancer? In a way, perhaps both of these cases have in common a natural person who is caught in tragic, unnatural, and lethal circumstances. We can have the wisdom to see the difference between the person and their circumstances. and not confuse or lump in one with the other. The person is not their disease.

There is a pernicious and perpetual misperception out there that the Catholic Church teaches that God does not forgive suicide, and anyone who takes their life is assuredly condemned by God to hell forever. This is simply not true. As a matter of fact, this misperception is very far from the faith and teachings of the Catholic Church. This shouldn’t be a surprise, once you know that the Catechism is fundamentally about Good News and love — revisit that part up above if you’re not remembering that. The rest of this article can wait until you really get this love into your head. Also notice that it’s not “tough love” or some contrived thinking like that — it is “love of Christ,” the “love that never ends,” the “love of our Lord” always to be made accessible” and to “spring from love” and to “arrive at love” (paras. 3 and 25).

So what does the Catholic Church actually teach? The Catechism explains that, “We should not despair of the eternal salvation of persons who have taken their own lives.” The sentence is clear: to be Catholic means to always and faithfully keep hope in our hearts for the eternal salvation of persons who have taken their own lives. Hopefully we’re hoping (yep) for the eternal salvation of everyone like we’re supposed to be, and then we just keep persons who took their own lives on that same list. We don’t leave them off the list, or cross them off the list, or allow ourselves to automatically or self-assuredly think to ourselves that God has left them off or crossed them off. As a matter of fact, we are not even to fear that these persons have been crossed off the eternal salvation list, but rather as it says so clearly: “We should not despair…”

The Catechism goes on to explain that we may not understand it now, or at any time, but God can provide an opportunity for someone who has taken their own life to repent (to think again, change their mind, see what is right) in a way that is “salutary” — which especially means in a way that is beneficial to the person! God is infinite, without limits, can always keep the door open with invitation to us, and maybe (probably?) always does even though we don’t understand how that’s possible, especially after we die. The Catechism does not go further in the explanation, but consider the possibility that a person suffers from a mental health disorder or mental illness during their earthly mortal life. If that disease does not stick with the person after death, and they are liberated from it instead, doesn’t it stand to reason that the limiting effects the disorder or illness had on their spiritual vision, understanding, and ability to respond to God’s love, would also fall away? In that kind of renewed clarity in their vision, doesn’t it make sense that a person would better see God, the love of God, and the reflection of God’s love in love of family and friends? If eternal salvation rests upon God’s love, doesn’t it make sense then that the person would have, as the Catechism says, “an opportunity for salutary repentance?” I think so.

What can we do to help increase the chances of a salutary repentance for the person? The answer is not to sit in fear and uncertainty. The answer is basically the opposite. The answer is prayer.

Besides teaching us that being a faithful Catholic means never giving into despair for the eternal salvation of persons who have taken their own lives, the Catechism teaches us that being a faithful Catholic means praying for persons who have taken their own lives. I am not paraphrasing or interpreting it in the least. Here’s the sentence straight from the Catechism (para. 2282):

The Church prays for persons who have taken their lives.

Get it? If you’re in the Catholic Church faithfully, you’re praying. No dependencies or contingencies about it. If you’re not doing that, you need to check your fidelity to Catholicism. That may come off as some strong language on my part, but please remember that we are talking about a tragic event and malevolent force that can absolutely devastate and destroy lives well beyond the single person who took their own life. We have to have crystal clarity, and bring an invulnerable conviction in our prayer for the good in these situations. We have to pray not only for the person who took their own life and for God’s infinite and eternal capability at making opportunities, but we also have to pray against the despair, the hopelessness, the destruction and the devastation that wants to spread as far as it can. It’s the despair, hopelessness, destruction and devastation that is our enemy, and against which God works and prays alongside us. We’re never alone in that, the ones we have lost are never alone in that, and the more we can remember that God is with us, the better.

Please share these words with someone who needs them today.

This text is an original work of its author Tom Delaney and was entirely composed without the use of artificial intelligence (AI).

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988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Anyone who needs help with suicidal thoughts, an emotional crisis, or a drug or alcohol addiction crisis, or who has a loved one in crisis, can connect with a trained counselor by calling, chatting, or texting 988 at any hour of the day. There is no charge for the support, it’s free. Please, please, use it. Know that no matter what, God still loves you and loves the people that you love, and still wants to give you and them a good life. Give God a chance and call, chat or text 988.

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If your parish or faith community is seeking a deeper experience of forgiveness, healing, mercy, and spiritual renewal, Live and Forgive is here to help. To begin the conversation, email Live and Forgive presenter and facilitator Tom Delaney at tom@liveandforgive.com — he will be glad to connect with you for a conversation. Please type in your email and click “Subscribe” below to stay connected and get Live and Forgive articles delivered to you.

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